Living for Lu

Luis Santos

Luis Santos

I’ve decided to create this blog as a social experiment for myself and others wondering what the point of life is. After having a terrible year and struggling to pull myself out of the dark, I have decided to ditch the depressing attitude and replace it with a more positive disposition and a hint of humor. This is my soul searching project. The experiment will be to experience everything that life has to offer while documenting right here. I will try to interview people like experts in psychology, life coaching, and philosophy whenever I can. Maybe they can give some insight on how to deal with major life changes or find satisfaction in the little things. I’ll also talk to everyday people like you and I who can share their inspiring stories with the world. Mostly, I will just be sharing my writing and this is an excuse to finally do it. Life is too short not to do what you love! For those of you who don’t know me, here is a little backstory on why I started this blog in particular.

My brother Luis was murdered in October a year and a half ago. He was only a year younger than I was and was the closest person to me in my life. Since then my family has been in and out of court dealing with the aftermath of the bloody stabbing that took place on campus at San Diego State University. He was killed by four young men from Sacramento who have all pleaded guilty to different counts ranging from voluntary manslaughter and conspiracy to destroy evidence to assault with a deadly weapon and more. On top of that I went through a break up, got in two minor car accidents, have been struggling to find work, and have had a string of other bad luck. I’ll take this as a good sign because nothing else could possibly go wrong, right? It’s not the way the universe works. So I am changing my luck, creating my own work and finding my own happiness. With every ending, comes a new beginning so with the death of a brother is the birth of a blog and a new life philosophy.

Let me lighten the mood for everyone since that was pretty depressing and heavy. I remember what I was doing on the day that I received that phone call from hell alerting me to my brother's death. I can look back on it and laugh now because it was truly a scene out of a comedy. I was producing a web movie with a friend of mine that was a spoof on Star Trek. One of the characters in the story was actually a “Cocklian” from a nearby planet played by a friend of ours called Robert. Rob was just getting out of makeup as I was running down the hill crying. His full makeup consisted of a prosthetic penis dangling from his forehead decked out with disgusting fake pubic hair all around it, makeup that looked like warts and these vicious razor scissor teeth. I was crying and laughing at the same time after being confronted by this creature! He was walking up the hill, fake penis face wobbling back and forth with a look of shock on his face matching my shock at his face. I  am scarred forever now from the fact that I now associate Luis’ death with that image. 

The sentencing is finally approaching at the end of the month and I finally feel like I can finally move forward and laugh a little about what happened on that day, at least that part.

After Luis’ death, I had a really hard time coping for obvious reasons. Due to this circumstantial depression I wasn’t able to work for over a year because I was too distracted and sad. I even developed physical symptoms like anxiety, panic attacks, and vomiting for no reason on many occasions. I had a subconscious fear of dying that suddenly developed about a month after his death and had to have several visits to the emergency room because I was so physically ill. I lost my sight and sense of sound once while trying to go horseback riding with my friend Meg. The instructor was telling us how we would be walking along a cliff and giving us a load of other disclaimers when my pupils dilated fully and I couldn’t stand up anymore. I didn’t even know that I was scared. I didn’t feel afraid going into it, and I’ve ridden horses a dozen times without a second thought. This pattern continued for me where I would physically be incapacitated to participate in activities like flying, or anything else that I subconsciously feared was dangerous enough to possibly end in death.

Going through this has taught me how fragile and limited life actually is and has made me wonder what the point of it all is anyways. Why are we here and how come others aren’t? This experiment is not only for people who have lost someone, but for anyone else who is questioning the meaning of life in general. Most of my friends who are also my age are wondering the same thing. Not because of a tragedy but because we are all young adults who are trying to figure out who we will become and what we should be doing. I figure the only way for me to find out what it is all about, is to live. Even before any of this happened I had always been afraid to try things and was shy about participating in certain activities. The way I see it, Luis will never get to experience anything else ever. So I had better do it for the both of us. Wish me luck and send me any ideas of things that I should get out there and do. I’ll let you all know how it goes…….Living for Lu.